No. More. Advice.
Stop it. No seriously, stop. I know that your
cousin's uncle's step-nephew-in-law's land-lady's daughter got pregnant when
she took a cruise or started using essential oils or sacrificing a goat to the
God Ra, but that's not all that helpful. To be considered “infertile” a
couple must have been trying for at least a year with no success. As a rule, that year weeds out the people who
just need to relax.
Believe me when I say that relaxing just doesn't
do all that much. I mean, modern
medicine hasn't done all that much for me over here, I doubt that a cruise
would help. However, if you'd like to give me a cruise in an effort to
help I'll happily take it. Just don't expect me to come back with a bun
in the oven.
Don’t try and
minimize the problem
I remember shortly after the year mark going grocery
shopping and counting pregnant women. It
wasn't conscious but it just sort of happened.
Each one of those pregnant ladies was like a slap to my face. Somehow, their rounded bellies and their joy
was them pointing out how faulty I was.
Of course I knew that they weren't even looking at me but my little
brain didn't see it like that. My brain
saw judgement and pain. This was made
worse when people would say things like “At least you get more time just the
two of you” or “Enjoy the time to sleep in while you can”.
Guys, I know that spending more time with my hubs is
awesome. I mean, he’s freaking hot and
kind of incredible how could I not enjoy it!
And I seriously adore my sleeping time.
My bed is my best friend. It’s
soft and warm and I love it. Do you
really think that being able to appreciate the great things in my life makes
the pain of not having babies any better?
We all know that there are so many things we have to be grateful for, to
enjoy while we can. That doesn't change
the ache we feel to hold our little ones close.
Let us feel our
feelings
Like most people we have complex emotions about this
journey. Sometimes we’re ok, sometimes we’re
not, and sometimes we’re both ok and not ok.
One thing that gets me every time is someone telling me how I should
feel. I loathe it when someone says that
I should be happy for someone or that I shouldn't feel bad because there are
worse things in the world.
In that vein,
stop pointing out that there are worse things that could happen. Look, we get it that infertility isn't the worst thing in
the world. Between the diseases and wars
and general crappiness of the human race it’s no secret that some really bad
things are out there in the world. And
you’re right, on a scale of one to death, infertility rates pretty low. But when your heart aches for something,
having it torn away is pretty painful. You
wouldn't tell a ballet dance that their broken foot isn't that bad because they
have another foot. You wouldn't tell
someone who had just lost a child that it was ok because they could just have
another one. Please show us the same
courtesy and don’t minimize the pain we feel.
Don’t try and feel our pain
Just like we don’t really get what it’s like to parent you don’t really understand what it’s like to be infertile. I know, you try. But it’s not really something you can understand without going through it yourself. I know that you want to comfort but comparing how upset you were when it took 6 months to get pregnant doesn't really help us. Speaking for myself, I tend to think rather cruel thoughts when someone tries to tell me how much they understand my pain. It would be like telling someone with cancer that you know how they feel because you get the flu a lot. Yes, there might be similarities but they aren't really the same.
Limit your
involvement
You know that maternity shirt that says “If you didn't put
it here don’t touch”? The same principal
applies to baby production part of infertility.
Unless you’re planning on giving us a baby or letting us borrow your
womb please don’t get all nosy. We’ll
tell you things when we’re ready to, IF we’re ready to. Sending us info on the latest IVF procedure or
on a great new adoption site is just not helpful. If we bring it up feel free to ask questions,
but respect our right to limit our answers.
And please don’t assume that since we've brought it up once that we are
ok with you bringing it up whenever you’d like.
Like I said, the emotional roller coaster is complex and there are times
when someone else approaching the subject feels like a knife wound.
Oh, and if your friend says that they’re doing IVF don’t ask
why they don’t just adopt. The adoption
versus IVF is an intensely personal journey.
If they want your advice or input on it believe me they will ask.
Don’t be that guy
Your friend tells you that they’re struggling and you think
that a joke would be a great comfort.
Please don’t make it a crude joke.
No “I’ll donate” or “Make sure they get the right sperm” or “Maybe you
just need better practice”. If you want
to make a joke try something good. Like “Why
did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side!” (If you don’t get it go look up what a Mobius Strip
is). Just, don’t be that guy.
We like to fantasize,
but we’re not delusional
For some reason people think that unless you've had a baby
or are pregnant that you can’t possibly understand what comes with babies. And you’re sort of right, we don’t fully
understand. The logic goes something
like this: if you can’t have a baby you suddenly idealize everything to do with
having one. I’m not sure how this comes
about but I promise we don’t all believe that our angelic offspring will sleep
through the night and eat well and never have a blowout (though the blowout
thing would be nice). We like to
fantasize about those possibilities, but deep down we know the truth. Don’t point out how much work kids are, let
us find out on our own. And then giggle
as we show up with cheerios in our hair and juice on our pants.
Don’t complain
There was a point in my life when a pregnant lady complaining about how she hated being pregnant made me literally see red. It’s rather infuriating to hear someone complain about something you'd give anything to experience. For me it would be a bit like Bill Gates complaining that he has too much money when you can't make your bills. At that point you'd happily switch places with him. I'm not saying you can't complain, but complain to other people. You know, people who wouldn't give their eye teeth to experience contractions and morning sickness. People who aren't infertile.
To paraphrase Dean
Winchester, Shut your pie hole
I wish this one could go unsaid but don’t gossip. If your friend trusted you enough to tell you
about their infertility don’t break that trust by talking to others about
it. Infertility is very personal and
very painful and most of us don’t want others to know. That’s why for 5 years I've kept silent. Let your friend tell who they’d like when
they’d like. It’s their story to tell,
not yours.
Don’t imply that God/Mother Nature doesn't want them to be parents
Thankfully I've never heard this because I’d probably punch whoever said it in the face, but seriously don’t say this. If at any point you feel like saying this would be helpful stop. I absolutely promise you that it would not be helpful at any point. Seriously.
Let them know you
care
By and large the thing we want most of all is to know that
you care. The very best way to show that
you care is to listen to us. Just be a listening
ear. Let us cry and vent and say nothing
while we do so. If you must say
something, repeat after me: “Dude that blows!”
“I’m so sorry.” “Do you want some
chocolate?”
What can you do to make it all better? Nothing.
Short of saying “here is a child for you to parent” there’s nothing that
you can do. It’s not your job, don’t put
that kind of pressure on yourself.
Support their
decisions
Some people will choose to go through IVF, some will choose
to adopt, and some will choose to live without children. Your mission, and you must accept it, it to
simply smile and hug them and tell them that you support them.
